Stranger Danger

Birth mom has not had a visit with her kids since October. On Friday I had a missed call at 5:15pm from our new case worker. I have never met her and my first call from her states the kids are having a visit on Monday from 1-3pm. Her case aide will pick the children up and supervise the visit. 

You'd think I'd be used to this by now and be over it but I'm not. Don't you think you'd want to talk to the foster parents first before just setting up a visit? You are new on the case and have no idea what is going on, such as the kids nap at daycare from 12-2. So they are going to get picked up at 12:30ish, go on a visit for 2 hours, come back to daycare and not get a nap. Thank you CPS for making my daycare frustrated and angry. Thank you CPS for ruining any sort of schedule my kids had - any study you read says kids need structure in order to grow up healthy and happy. In fact, my foster parent training and guides provided by the state talk about providing structure in your foster home. Thank you CPS for most likely testing my patience tonight with my kids as they will be extremely tired and cranky and won't want to eat dinner and won't want to take baths because they are too tired to function. I'm already angry with all of that but I think I've kept my composure all weekend in order to continue providing that happy, healthy home to these beautiful children and then on Monday at 12:30pm I get a phone call from the case aide.

"Hi, my name is ___ and I'm picking up your foster kids today, can you tell me their names?" With all my heart I wanted to say yes, their names are Jane and John Doe because that's what that question deserves as an answer. She then continued with "Okay, thanks I think that's all I need" I responded stating she can just go into the Toddler Room and sign them out, the daycare girls are aware the kids have a visit today. She responds with "Toddler room? How old are the kids?" Again, I wanted to say oh they are 8 and 9.....they are in the TODDLER ROOM so somewhere between 1 and 3. How in your right mind is it your job to pick up a child, supervise the visit, and then return the child? You don't even know the child's name or their age? Do you have the appropriate carseat? Do you know they are twins so you actually need 2 carseats of the same kind? How as a parent am I supposed to feel comfortable with this woman going to my daycare, picking up my children, and supervising a visit when she can't even figure out their names.

As my kids are getting older, we are learning more and more about parenting and I'm starting to think about how baby girl says "hi" and waves to just about everyone she see's and meets. Very cute but at the same time, a little worrisome. In my head I start thinking about teaching her about strangers and how she is to never go anywhere with a stranger but then I remember that about every 6 months a new CPS stranger picks her up to take her to her visits. How am I supposed to explain that one? "Okay baby girl, you are never to go anywhere with a stranger because they might be dangerous. However, if a stranger comes to daycare to get you, that's okay, just ask for their CPS badge to make sure they are legit." Please tell me how to explain this situation to a toddler. Please tell me how to properly parent as a foster mom. 

I really need to find a foster to adopt parent support group so I can see how other foster mom's have dealt with all of this. Each day seems to be getting more and more difficult for us to handle as we realize we still have such a long journey that still could end childless. The kids are bonding more and more to us and our family everyday, I just don't know how to explain this to them so they are prepared in case they are sent somewhere else. How do you prepare a toddler for that? Where is their lawyer? Isn't she supposed to be fighting for them? For their stability? For their happiness?

I am ready to fight the system but I am not sure where to start. If anyone has any ideas or any contacts, please let me know. The Arizona CPS system is very messed up right now and it needs to change.

UPDATE (2/10/15):
When I picked up the kids from daycare yesterday evening I was told by the daycare that the case aide showed up without car seats. My daycare obviously did not let her take the kids so she left and returned with 2 car seats.....uninstalled. She did not know how to install the car seats in her vehicle and requested the daycare to assist her. They did, then she requested they assist her with properly securing the children in the car seats. I was livid to say the least when I was told this story. It is absolutely unacceptable for a Department of CHILD SAFETY employee whom transports children to not know how to install a car seat in her vehicle. I have already sent an e-mail complaint to my case manager along with her supervisor. I have also already obtained a formal grievance and plan to have one filed by the end of the day. I will also be taking a form to my daycare and requesting they file a grievance as well. I do not take my children's safety lightly and I wouldn't think the state would either. I let my agency know the situation and she agreed with how I was handling it but also stated this isn't the first time this has happened to her foster families. That just further made me want to fight the system - something is severely wrong in Arizona's foster care system.

Expect the unexpected

I've sat through numerous court hearings and heard countless numbers of excuses and seen chance after chance be given while my children sit on the sidelines left unrepresented. I expected nothing less at the hearing this past Friday and chance after chance was afforded to birth parents, however I got a little bit of an unexpected twist. 

The Good
This hearing was just supposed to be a report and review, basically just a check in however birth dad did not show up. I don't think I explained this earlier because I didn't think it would be relevant in our case but now I must explain. Once the birth parents are served with the severance paperwork they MUST attend every court hearing from that point forward otherwise the state can sever their parental rights that day, no trial, no appeal, just sever and done instantly. As I said earlier, birth dad did not attend for the first time ever and yes, the state severed his parental rights. It was surreal. As of January 9, 2015, my children only have one daddy in their lives. 

The Bad
That all happened after birth mom's hearing. She was there and is definitely contesting the severance. The first trial date the court presented for severance was March 4 however her lawyer conveniently had something on the calendar that day and then proceeded to have something on her calendar for the next 5 days suggested which somehow pushed us to JULY! The judge had to ask this lawyer the next day she was available which pushed us another month.....so the severance trial is set for July 9th. That's 6 months away! After the trial, the judge has 30-60 days to make a decision. Don't worry, I'm an accountant and I'll do the math for you, that puts us at September 9th.....this is two years and two days past the day they came into our lives which also means the kids will be 2 years old. So yes, these kids will probably not be adopted into their forever home in 2015. Anger commence.

The maternal uncle is also still in the mix. We believe birth mom's lawyer is stalling the severance in order to give the interstate paperwork more time to process so the maternal uncle can adopt the kids.

I left court in a mix of emotions, I was crying yet in disbelief, smiling yet frustrated, excited yet angry. Up and down, but I like to think we just took 5 steps forward and only 2 step back.

Please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, and good wishes as we continue our way through this process, we still have another 8+ months to go.

Up and down, around and around

Last time I updated I stated the case plan had been changed to severance. Don't worry, it's still listed as severance, however at our previous review hearing birth mom was back on track. Her lawyer requested if she's still on track at the next hearing, they switch the case plan back to reunification. I was extremely surprised and completely devastated. After 13 months of on track, off track, on track, off track I was surprised the judge responded that we would consider it at the next hearing. How many tries does one get to be a parent? The next hearing isn't until early January so we get to enjoy the holiday's with our kids. At this same hearing, I found out the maternal uncle would be visiting over Thanksgiving. Again surprise and complete devastation. Mind you this is only 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and the first I've heard of this visit. We didn't hear anything about the visit until Tuesday before Thanksgiving.

The maternal uncle, his wife, their kids, and birth mom's sister all visited with the twins for a couple hours the Friday after Thanksgiving. Jon had to work so I met them with the case manager. Baby boy had a hard time letting go of me and was constantly crying and reaching for me when other people took him. Baby girl was okay for a bit and then randomly would reach for me or walk back to me. I stayed for 30 minutes until I felt like the kids started to relax. There was no way I was leaving my kids when they looked scared and worried, I don't care if I should have left earlier, my kids needed me. My mom helped entertain me while the kids had their visit and Jon was off work by the time we needed to pick them up. We walked into the McDonald's and baby girl ran to Jon all excited and baby boy ran to me. It was a nice feeling because I'm bonded to them but it's always nice to know they are bonded with us.

The maternal uncle and his wife are very nice and no red flags came up. He seems to have a good job and is a good dad to his other kids. This was comforting for myself and Jon. We definitely want to make these kids a permanent part of our family but if they have to go somewhere else, we are comforted to feel that they would be well taken care of. The case manager constantly tries to reassure me and Jon that the case still has quite a ways to go and that interstate adoptions are very difficult but none of that means anything to us until we have those final papers in our hand.

Leaving the legal case behind.....our "babies" are no longer babies, we officially have toddlers. Both kids are walking, getting into everything, and just overall curious about life. On the weekends we take them to the library for babytime and to the park to run around and go down the slides and swing on the swings. Baby boy is all boy, he loves to be outside and play with stick's, balls, and point at airplanes. He also says ball to anything round. Baby girl is very smart, she understands instructions like "go get the ball" or "say bye" or "Is baby girl happy?" to which she replies by clapping her hands!

A Must Read

Enough said: 8 Things Adoptive Parents Should Never Do

The Struggle Continues

It's been awhile since I've given the legal update on the case mainly because there hadn't been much movement until recently. About a month ago the case plan changed from reunification to severance. What that means is CPS has acknowledged they have tried to work towards family reunification but it no longer seems possible so in the best interest of the children they'd like to sever the birth parents rights and find a permanent home for the children. 

The process to terminate birth parents rights can take 6-8ish months. Here's how it works: A month ago, the judge acknowledged the change in the case plan. After that the birth parents lawyers serve the birth parents with the notice to sever rights. A week ago the birth parents had court where they were able to state if they agree or contest the severance. Our birth parents contested. In early November we have a review hearing. Then the case will go through 2-3 days of trial where they will call the parent aides, CPS worker, GAL, doctors, daycare workers, etc. to the stand if needed. After that, the judge has a specific number of days to make a decision. And just like all other cases in our judicial system, the birth parents can appeal that decision. So then it'll go through the appeals process. After that, the decision is final. It is very frustrating that after a year, we still have another 6+ months to go but at the same time I need to count the positives and although we still have awhile, this is the very first positive for us since this case has started. Please keep our children in your thoughts and prayers that the best outcome for them is chosen.

It's hard not to get frustrated at the system but I always have to step back and think about it from the judge's point of view. The judge only hears this case every 60ish days and then she only hears what the lawyers tell her which is about 15% of what is actually going on. Then she has to dig through all the nonsense of the lawyers to figure out the accurate details. Based on that data, she has to make a decision that will affect these children's lives forever. My dad read an article that compared severing a birth parents rights to the death penalty due to the permanent nature of the decision. Once parental rights are severed, that's it. That parent can never be involved with their child again unless a foster or adoptive parent chooses to keep them involved. It's final, the end of that family. If I was the judge, I'd want to be 110% positive I was making the right decision. But that's hard to see from my side sometimes because from my view of the world, the kids are already home.

Supervised visits with the birth parents will continue up until the severance. It does not matter what the parents are doing on their visits, they will always legally have the right to see their children as long as their parental rights are in tact. Our visits are twice a week and have been going okay. The kids eat extremely unhealthy and come home starving but overall, they are okay. Recently our case received a new parent aide, the person who supervises the visit. I was less than thrilled to get a new one because our last 2 had been incompetent. This one however is amazing! She considers our schedule, tells us that the kids ate "snacks" for dinner and will need to be fed before bed, and just overall is in her job for the right reasons. I should find out who her boss is and give her a compliment because she makes the visits a little less painful for us. 

Tonight was the first visit at 5pm - 7pm. the kids typically go to bed at 7:30 so a visit that ends at 7 means they don't get home until almost 8. We were not thrilled but to accommodate birth dad's work schedule, they asked we try to make this work. (Don't ask why the kids schedule isn't taken into consideration.....I get blank stares when I ask that.) So onto tonight's visit, I knew it was going to be rough so I decided to take advantage of the fact that I didn't have to pick them up at daycare and left work early to go hiking. I figured it would help relax me and put me in the right mood for dealing with cranky kids. I was right, the hike was amazing, the view of Phoenix was amazing, the sunset was beautiful - I came home in a great mood. The kids came home, as expected, hungry, tired, and cranky. According to our spectacular parent aide, the kids ate teddy graham's and french fries for dinner and lucky them, they got to wash it down with soda. Apparently the parent aide suggested water or milk numerous times but the birth parents insisted on soda. We all know that 13 month old's need soda to survive. On top of it all, she gave them hair cuts. Yes, I know I was complaining that they needed haircuts and I was mad I couldn't be trusted to get them done but I was surprisingly very emotional that it had finally happened. I kept myself composed around the parent aide and composed while I fed the children chicken, rice, and applesauce but after they went to bed (45 minutes past bedtime), I lost it. In my head, these are MY children. I raised them. I am the one who loses sleep when they wake up at 3am. I am the one who takes off work to hold them while they are sick. I am the one who chases them around the house on hands and knees saying "I'm going to get you". I am the one trying to feed them healthy food, teach them lessons and help them become awesome, self sufficient little people. But I didn't get to take them for their first haircut. I know it's such a silly thing and I know I didn't want a lock of their hair but somehow I'm devastated that I missed out on their first haircut. These are the things I never thought about when we decided to be foster parents and these are the things I never thought would crush me but tonight I am hurting. 

You only get 1 first birthday so make it a good one!

Our twins just had their first birthday and of course we had to throw them their first birthday party! In a couple of books I read, it said to keep it small, don't overwhelm baby. Just a couple of people baby knows really well, that's all you need. Welllll I couldn't figure out how to cut our guest list so 50 people were invited! About 40 showed up and because our kids are all-stars, they did absolutely amazing!

I wanted to make it feel like a kid's party versus our normal adult parties so I made some decorations:

I also made beer labels for Jon's homemade beer - I posted those on a previous update Beer Labels. They were adorable on all the bottles! I also made a collage for each baby with a picture from each month. My sister made 4 cakes, yes I said 4! She made one small cake for each baby and one large cake for each baby. All of them in the shape of Mickey or Minnie heads. I would post a picture of their cuteness but they have their names on them.

The party was a lot of fun, the only downside was we had it set up outside due to the number of people invited and it was a little on the hot side. Most people just dealt with it and enjoyed the party.

The twins cake smash was priceless. Baby girl just kept stuffing more and more cake into her mouth. She was a happy girl, even licked the frosting off her fingers. Baby boy also very much enjoyed the cake but he was confused as to why so many people were watching him eat.

Definitely a memorable day!

1 year wiser

Recently we've hit 2 big milestones or perhaps 3...

1. The twins turned ONE!
2. We celebrated one year of being new parents of twins
3. We survived one year of the foster care system

One of my best friends, fellow blogger, and runner (Check her blog out Run Megan Run) suggested I post what I've learned in the last year.

Foster Care Thoughts...

• Everything takes longer than you are told or expect. If you are told 6 months, plan 12 - 18 months.
• Attend EVERY court hearing. Everyone in the system will tell you there's no need for you to be there but if you want to know what's going on in the case and be able to help the kids if it affects them, BE THERE! In Arizona, it is your right as a foster parent which leads me to the next...
• KNOW YOUR FOSTER PARENT RIGHTS! Here you go: Foster Parent Rights
• Nothing is final until the judge says so
• Everyone outside the system will think you are a saint, everyone in the system will think you are just a babysitter for the child.
• Your life and your schedule do not matter to CPS. You are superhuman and will figure out how to make it work. Just remember, your time and your life do matter - it is okay to say "no".
• Utilize your agency for their experience and advice. They are your ONLY advocate. 
• The term "supervised visit" is used extremely loosely. 
• The GAL (Child's lawyer) will call 1-4 days prior to court, be prepared.
• For every accident you will go through 2 freak outs.
• 1 - The normal mom reaction - OH MY GOD how did I let that happen? Is my child okay? What actually happened? How do I fix it? I just want to kiss it better, I sure hope my kisses are magical! Oh good, the crying is getting softer, we will survive.
• 2 - Did it leave a bump? Will it be gone before the visit on Wednesday? Does this constitute a significant incident and need to be reported?
• If your foster child lives with you for more than half the year or more than half their life, if they were born that year, you can claim them as a dependent on your tax return.

First Time Mom Thoughts...

• Trust your instincts. If you think something is wrong, call the doctor. If you think everything is okay, move on.
• Accept help when offered. You are not a bad mom, you are a smart mom that recognizes when she needs a break. It's best for you, your child, and your spouse.
• You are still an individual, you are not defined by your role as a mom. Make time for yourself.
• EVERYONE will have advice, listen if you want otherwise refer to my first point.
• Get used to talking about poop. Color, consistency, frequency....
• The first 6 weeks are the roughest, you will make it through.
• Milestones are provided to make sure your kid isn't falling behind - they are not there for you to brag that your 3 month old is sitting on his or her own.
• Read, sing, talk, dance, and laugh with your child every.....single.....day.
• Baby giggles are the absolute best sound - it will never get old.

Twin Mom Thoughts...

• Everyone and I mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E has a twin story. Learn to listen or come up with a clever response.
• For the first 3 months, track their eating, pooping, and sleeping schedules. The doctors will ask and you will mix their schedules up. There are numerous apps for this - I missed the boat on this one.
• Don't assume because you have 2 babies, things take twice as long. Things actually take 3-4 times longer with 2 babies because while you are dressing one - the other is getting into a drawer, the trash, pulling off toilet paper, etc. Now you have a mess to attend to on top of getting out of the house.
• Attend free baby time at your local library. It gets you out of the house and gives the kids something different and kid friendly to do.
• Find a good consignment store, club, or organization. Clothes are expensive. Clothes times 2 are twice as expensive.
• Your house is going to be a mess, it's a full time job caring for twins - get over the mess. Accept help when offered.
• Enjoy and celebrate the differences between your children, they are individuals.

This has been a roller coaster ride over the last year, luckily I LOVE roller coasters. The kids are happy and healthy and I look forward to coming home every single day because the smile on their faces when I walk through the door is priceless. I am *that* mom and I am proud of it!

Haircuts and Foster Care System

This I believe will be my first official rant about the foster care system so I apologize, I am just completely in shock at the way things are handled. 

As the twins one year birthday is coming up, my husband and I have scheduled a photographer to take one year pictures of the twins about 2 weeks prior to their actual birthday. Since baby boy's hair is getting pretty long - I'm talking in his face, over his ears, every which direction long we thought it might be good to get him his first haircut prior to the pictures. You might be wondering why this is even warranting a post - it's just a haircut after all, right? Well....in the foster care system, haircuts are one of the things foster parents must seek approval on. This isn't just CPS approval, this is CPS actually getting birth parent approval. It may seem outrageous but there are a lot of cultures and heritages that have different beliefs about hair cutting. Fine, I get it. So being a good foster mom, I sent an e-mail to our case worker asking to get their haircut and explaining why I wanted to. Here was his response:

Yes, she did already tell me that it was a tradition to cut her boys hair on their one year birthday however I didn't realize 2 weeks would be a big deal. I also don't understand how this tradition is going to be kept this time around - is CPS going to give her special approval on her supervised visits to cut his hair? And what about baby girl, is she never going to get a haircut? That seems a little crazy to me. I'd also like to bring up the fact that on their last two visits she has fed them french fries, cake, and juice boxes. They are 11 months old, they don't need french fries and cake on a regular basis much less sugar loaded juice boxes. But no, I'm the crazy foster mom who wants to cut their hair so they look well taken care of. Watch out world - don't let this crazy woman watch your children - she might give them a haircut after a whole year!

Some day's as a foster mom are easier than others, today didn't start off very well.