Court appearance #14 - Severance Trial

I knew today would be tough. Being a mom, it's hard to imagine sitting in a court room full of judgement while people tell me why I'm unfit to be the mother of my own kid's. I try my hardest to put myself in her shoes as the thought of losing the children I have raised devastates me every time I think about it so the pure thought of someone telling me that I am unfit - that would be tough and my heart goes out to her.

About a week after the last court hearing visits with birth mom kept getting canceled. It seemed odd to me that a couple weeks out from a severance trial you'd be missing visits but everything in this cases is opposite of what I'd expect so I tried not to read into it.

Last week the DCS case manager did her monthly visit and authorizes me to cut the kid's hair as she hasn't been able to get a hold of birth mom for some time now. Going into today I was confident birth mom would be in attendance as she has never missed a court hearing. She refused to attend today. The court decides to proceed with the severance trial as a fallback in case birth mom didn't attend for a legitimate reason (i.e. sick in the hospital, etc.). This is an actual trial, witness' are called to testify and questioned by the defense, GAL (kid's lawyer), and the state (DCS). We learned some very interesting things about the case that I wish I could share. In the middle of the severance trial we find out that birth mom has decided to stop contesting her severance. Basically she is throwing in the towel - for some reason trial continues. We later learn this is because birth mom could change her mind tomorrow so they might as well have all the evidence documented since everyone already cleared their schedules. After the questioning ends the discussion moves into placement discussions - placement means should the kids be with us or with the maternal uncle. This is not the purpose of the hearing and should not be discussed but the judge decides for whatever reason to allow it. At the end of the day the judge has 2 separate, independent decisions to make.

1. Severance or termination of birth mom's rights
2. Placement: would it be in the kid's best interest to be with maternal uncle or us

I truly believe we have a good judge. He was previously a lawyer and has been a part of the judicial system for over 35 years. In the court room he very clearly states what has occurred and how he is going to move forward and he doesn't seem to get confused by all the lawyer jargon (i.e. sometimes lies). He very directly stated that the placement decision will be extremely difficult and he cannot win and he cannot lose. He continued with "I can't lose because both families are good permanency options, I can't win because someone will be devastated by my decision." Fair, I can't be angry. The judge then directly addressed Jon and I stating he has had to put 15 year old's in jail for 15+ years and dealt with life sentences and this decision bears the same weight as those. I don't envy him. Although I'd be able to make the decision in less than a second, some people might say I'm biased. From his stand point, this is difficult and it's not often kids in DCS custody have 2 permanency options. In that regard, my kids are lucky.

As the judge addressed us I felt my eyes watering. I don't think I've mentioned this before but I go into every court hearing with a straight face, no emotions, I refuse to picture my children in my head as I want to appear strong and my kids bring on the emotions. This is the first time I couldn't hold it back. As the judge talked to us directly and I started realizing decisions are going to be made, I couldn't keep that straight face. It irritated me as I didn't want the judge to think I was putting on some show to influence him but it was not a show, it was 23 months of emotions realizing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That light may be a train about to run me over or the beautiful sun shining on the other side of the longest tunnel of my life. 

I did hold it mostly together in court but within seconds of exiting that building the tears started falling. Nothing changed today except I know that a decision about my children's future will be made within 60 days. Talking to my sister she helped me realize, it's the definitive date that is causing all the emotions. By October 8th a decision will be made about my children's living arrangements, their place to eat, their daycare, their friends, the state they reside in, their grandparents, their family, their beds, their identity. It could be earlier but it will be no later than October 8th. That is scary and wonderful at the same time.

Please pray for our judge to review all the relevant information and make his decision based on the best interest of our children.

Expect the unexpected

I've sat through numerous court hearings and heard countless numbers of excuses and seen chance after chance be given while my children sit on the sidelines left unrepresented. I expected nothing less at the hearing this past Friday and chance after chance was afforded to birth parents, however I got a little bit of an unexpected twist. 

The Good
This hearing was just supposed to be a report and review, basically just a check in however birth dad did not show up. I don't think I explained this earlier because I didn't think it would be relevant in our case but now I must explain. Once the birth parents are served with the severance paperwork they MUST attend every court hearing from that point forward otherwise the state can sever their parental rights that day, no trial, no appeal, just sever and done instantly. As I said earlier, birth dad did not attend for the first time ever and yes, the state severed his parental rights. It was surreal. As of January 9, 2015, my children only have one daddy in their lives. 

The Bad
That all happened after birth mom's hearing. She was there and is definitely contesting the severance. The first trial date the court presented for severance was March 4 however her lawyer conveniently had something on the calendar that day and then proceeded to have something on her calendar for the next 5 days suggested which somehow pushed us to JULY! The judge had to ask this lawyer the next day she was available which pushed us another month.....so the severance trial is set for July 9th. That's 6 months away! After the trial, the judge has 30-60 days to make a decision. Don't worry, I'm an accountant and I'll do the math for you, that puts us at September 9th.....this is two years and two days past the day they came into our lives which also means the kids will be 2 years old. So yes, these kids will probably not be adopted into their forever home in 2015. Anger commence.

The maternal uncle is also still in the mix. We believe birth mom's lawyer is stalling the severance in order to give the interstate paperwork more time to process so the maternal uncle can adopt the kids.

I left court in a mix of emotions, I was crying yet in disbelief, smiling yet frustrated, excited yet angry. Up and down, but I like to think we just took 5 steps forward and only 2 step back.

Please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, and good wishes as we continue our way through this process, we still have another 8+ months to go.

Up and down, around and around

Last time I updated I stated the case plan had been changed to severance. Don't worry, it's still listed as severance, however at our previous review hearing birth mom was back on track. Her lawyer requested if she's still on track at the next hearing, they switch the case plan back to reunification. I was extremely surprised and completely devastated. After 13 months of on track, off track, on track, off track I was surprised the judge responded that we would consider it at the next hearing. How many tries does one get to be a parent? The next hearing isn't until early January so we get to enjoy the holiday's with our kids. At this same hearing, I found out the maternal uncle would be visiting over Thanksgiving. Again surprise and complete devastation. Mind you this is only 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and the first I've heard of this visit. We didn't hear anything about the visit until Tuesday before Thanksgiving.

The maternal uncle, his wife, their kids, and birth mom's sister all visited with the twins for a couple hours the Friday after Thanksgiving. Jon had to work so I met them with the case manager. Baby boy had a hard time letting go of me and was constantly crying and reaching for me when other people took him. Baby girl was okay for a bit and then randomly would reach for me or walk back to me. I stayed for 30 minutes until I felt like the kids started to relax. There was no way I was leaving my kids when they looked scared and worried, I don't care if I should have left earlier, my kids needed me. My mom helped entertain me while the kids had their visit and Jon was off work by the time we needed to pick them up. We walked into the McDonald's and baby girl ran to Jon all excited and baby boy ran to me. It was a nice feeling because I'm bonded to them but it's always nice to know they are bonded with us.

The maternal uncle and his wife are very nice and no red flags came up. He seems to have a good job and is a good dad to his other kids. This was comforting for myself and Jon. We definitely want to make these kids a permanent part of our family but if they have to go somewhere else, we are comforted to feel that they would be well taken care of. The case manager constantly tries to reassure me and Jon that the case still has quite a ways to go and that interstate adoptions are very difficult but none of that means anything to us until we have those final papers in our hand.

Leaving the legal case behind.....our "babies" are no longer babies, we officially have toddlers. Both kids are walking, getting into everything, and just overall curious about life. On the weekends we take them to the library for babytime and to the park to run around and go down the slides and swing on the swings. Baby boy is all boy, he loves to be outside and play with stick's, balls, and point at airplanes. He also says ball to anything round. Baby girl is very smart, she understands instructions like "go get the ball" or "say bye" or "Is baby girl happy?" to which she replies by clapping her hands!

The Struggle Continues

It's been awhile since I've given the legal update on the case mainly because there hadn't been much movement until recently. About a month ago the case plan changed from reunification to severance. What that means is CPS has acknowledged they have tried to work towards family reunification but it no longer seems possible so in the best interest of the children they'd like to sever the birth parents rights and find a permanent home for the children. 

The process to terminate birth parents rights can take 6-8ish months. Here's how it works: A month ago, the judge acknowledged the change in the case plan. After that the birth parents lawyers serve the birth parents with the notice to sever rights. A week ago the birth parents had court where they were able to state if they agree or contest the severance. Our birth parents contested. In early November we have a review hearing. Then the case will go through 2-3 days of trial where they will call the parent aides, CPS worker, GAL, doctors, daycare workers, etc. to the stand if needed. After that, the judge has a specific number of days to make a decision. And just like all other cases in our judicial system, the birth parents can appeal that decision. So then it'll go through the appeals process. After that, the decision is final. It is very frustrating that after a year, we still have another 6+ months to go but at the same time I need to count the positives and although we still have awhile, this is the very first positive for us since this case has started. Please keep our children in your thoughts and prayers that the best outcome for them is chosen.

It's hard not to get frustrated at the system but I always have to step back and think about it from the judge's point of view. The judge only hears this case every 60ish days and then she only hears what the lawyers tell her which is about 15% of what is actually going on. Then she has to dig through all the nonsense of the lawyers to figure out the accurate details. Based on that data, she has to make a decision that will affect these children's lives forever. My dad read an article that compared severing a birth parents rights to the death penalty due to the permanent nature of the decision. Once parental rights are severed, that's it. That parent can never be involved with their child again unless a foster or adoptive parent chooses to keep them involved. It's final, the end of that family. If I was the judge, I'd want to be 110% positive I was making the right decision. But that's hard to see from my side sometimes because from my view of the world, the kids are already home.

Supervised visits with the birth parents will continue up until the severance. It does not matter what the parents are doing on their visits, they will always legally have the right to see their children as long as their parental rights are in tact. Our visits are twice a week and have been going okay. The kids eat extremely unhealthy and come home starving but overall, they are okay. Recently our case received a new parent aide, the person who supervises the visit. I was less than thrilled to get a new one because our last 2 had been incompetent. This one however is amazing! She considers our schedule, tells us that the kids ate "snacks" for dinner and will need to be fed before bed, and just overall is in her job for the right reasons. I should find out who her boss is and give her a compliment because she makes the visits a little less painful for us. 

Tonight was the first visit at 5pm - 7pm. the kids typically go to bed at 7:30 so a visit that ends at 7 means they don't get home until almost 8. We were not thrilled but to accommodate birth dad's work schedule, they asked we try to make this work. (Don't ask why the kids schedule isn't taken into consideration.....I get blank stares when I ask that.) So onto tonight's visit, I knew it was going to be rough so I decided to take advantage of the fact that I didn't have to pick them up at daycare and left work early to go hiking. I figured it would help relax me and put me in the right mood for dealing with cranky kids. I was right, the hike was amazing, the view of Phoenix was amazing, the sunset was beautiful - I came home in a great mood. The kids came home, as expected, hungry, tired, and cranky. According to our spectacular parent aide, the kids ate teddy graham's and french fries for dinner and lucky them, they got to wash it down with soda. Apparently the parent aide suggested water or milk numerous times but the birth parents insisted on soda. We all know that 13 month old's need soda to survive. On top of it all, she gave them hair cuts. Yes, I know I was complaining that they needed haircuts and I was mad I couldn't be trusted to get them done but I was surprisingly very emotional that it had finally happened. I kept myself composed around the parent aide and composed while I fed the children chicken, rice, and applesauce but after they went to bed (45 minutes past bedtime), I lost it. In my head, these are MY children. I raised them. I am the one who loses sleep when they wake up at 3am. I am the one who takes off work to hold them while they are sick. I am the one who chases them around the house on hands and knees saying "I'm going to get you". I am the one trying to feed them healthy food, teach them lessons and help them become awesome, self sufficient little people. But I didn't get to take them for their first haircut. I know it's such a silly thing and I know I didn't want a lock of their hair but somehow I'm devastated that I missed out on their first haircut. These are the things I never thought about when we decided to be foster parents and these are the things I never thought would crush me but tonight I am hurting.