Judge Rules: The foster parents are their "family"

I've been waiting for months to be able to write this update and now that it's here, I'm at a loss of words.

On August 13th, at 8:15 am I got a call from my husband. Not out of the normal so I didn't think anything of it. He asked me if I'd read my e-mail and I hadn't so I quickly opened it. I saw an e-mail from our lawyer that was the judge's ruling. I quickly flipped to the last page where the final ruling is made and read the following as tears flooded my eyes.

If I wasn't at work I would have squealed but instead I just kept saying how excited I was and we could finally move on and what a great judge we had through my tears of happiness. I was so excited and wanted to shout and scream to the world all the happiness that was in my heart. We are really going to get to stay a family! After I hung up with Jon, I just started mass texting family and friends. Honestly I have no idea how many text messages I sent and how many phone calls I received, my phone was buzzing all morning. I ran around the office telling coworkers. I was useless at work while I responded to text messages and answered phone calls - which just left me in tears of happiness over and over again and I received texts full of emotions of excitement from our family and friends.

I was so excited that I have to share this story of just how high on happiness I was. One of my employees went to the urgent care about an hour after I found out the news. Five minutes after talking to my employee, another coworker asks me if everything is all right. I respond very brightly "Yes, everything is fantastic!". She asks me about my employee stating she overheard that she wasn't feeling good. Oops - in 5 minutes I had already forgotten about my employee and was back in my own head celebrating our family. My coworker hadn't heard the news yet so once I explained to her, she understood. 

The judge took 6 days to rule. He was allowed 60 and he took 6. We'd heard over and over what a great judge he is but that proves it for me. He knew how important it was to make this decision and allow the kids to gain permanency and move on with their lives. After months of delays - he finally made the difficult decision. By difficult, I mean it's difficult in the eyes of the court system. He was presented with two equally fit families that want to adopt these beautiful children. This situation doesn't present itself often in the DES system. Sad I know but all too true, in fact they more often see kid's that have no permanency option and my kids had 2! To the judge, that's amazing and awful. Amazing because these kids will be loved either way but awful because who would want to make that decision?

His ruling severed birth mom's rights in the first sentence of the minutes. The next 3 pages discuss placement of the children and it was very well written.

He continues...

Although I already knew we were their family, it was nice of the state of Arizona to catch up.

Every other blog I read about foster care talks about the loss that occurs when permanency is decided. Every other blog talks about how the foster mom feels for the birth mom because of her loss once severance occurs. I didn't have any of those emotions when I heard the news. Maybe I'm heartless. Maybe I'm an awful person. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I had already given all my compassion to her and this was my family's moment. I think I'll go with the latter. In my mind, this allows me to move forward with my family, now the unknown won't threaten us and give us frustration and anger. Now when my kid's ask about their birth mom, I can talk in a positive light because I know my kids are safe.

The day after the news I spent my time writing lists of all the things Jon and I had said at one time or another "that's something we'll need to decide on once we adopt". Well now's the time!

• First Names
• Middle Names
• College savings accounts
• Make a will
• Adoption party planning! (Clear your calendar when we have a date - this is going to be a big party!)
• Adoption photo shoot
• Life Insurance changes
• Jon's full family photos
• Tina's full family photos

What else am I missing? I know there's more but most of it I can't start on until everything is finalized. 

You might be thinking, what are the next steps? Well we happened to ask our lawyer that exact question.

1. Wait 15 days for the appeal time. If an appeal is file, this will delay things at least a month.
2. After the appeal time is over or the appeal is lost, the kids will be free for adoption
3. File adoption paperwork
4. Adoption hearing in 2-3 months

The most important sentence of the lawyers e-mail "It should be done before 2016!"

That would make our year!

Court appearance #14 - Severance Trial

I knew today would be tough. Being a mom, it's hard to imagine sitting in a court room full of judgement while people tell me why I'm unfit to be the mother of my own kid's. I try my hardest to put myself in her shoes as the thought of losing the children I have raised devastates me every time I think about it so the pure thought of someone telling me that I am unfit - that would be tough and my heart goes out to her.

About a week after the last court hearing visits with birth mom kept getting canceled. It seemed odd to me that a couple weeks out from a severance trial you'd be missing visits but everything in this cases is opposite of what I'd expect so I tried not to read into it.

Last week the DCS case manager did her monthly visit and authorizes me to cut the kid's hair as she hasn't been able to get a hold of birth mom for some time now. Going into today I was confident birth mom would be in attendance as she has never missed a court hearing. She refused to attend today. The court decides to proceed with the severance trial as a fallback in case birth mom didn't attend for a legitimate reason (i.e. sick in the hospital, etc.). This is an actual trial, witness' are called to testify and questioned by the defense, GAL (kid's lawyer), and the state (DCS). We learned some very interesting things about the case that I wish I could share. In the middle of the severance trial we find out that birth mom has decided to stop contesting her severance. Basically she is throwing in the towel - for some reason trial continues. We later learn this is because birth mom could change her mind tomorrow so they might as well have all the evidence documented since everyone already cleared their schedules. After the questioning ends the discussion moves into placement discussions - placement means should the kids be with us or with the maternal uncle. This is not the purpose of the hearing and should not be discussed but the judge decides for whatever reason to allow it. At the end of the day the judge has 2 separate, independent decisions to make.

1. Severance or termination of birth mom's rights
2. Placement: would it be in the kid's best interest to be with maternal uncle or us

I truly believe we have a good judge. He was previously a lawyer and has been a part of the judicial system for over 35 years. In the court room he very clearly states what has occurred and how he is going to move forward and he doesn't seem to get confused by all the lawyer jargon (i.e. sometimes lies). He very directly stated that the placement decision will be extremely difficult and he cannot win and he cannot lose. He continued with "I can't lose because both families are good permanency options, I can't win because someone will be devastated by my decision." Fair, I can't be angry. The judge then directly addressed Jon and I stating he has had to put 15 year old's in jail for 15+ years and dealt with life sentences and this decision bears the same weight as those. I don't envy him. Although I'd be able to make the decision in less than a second, some people might say I'm biased. From his stand point, this is difficult and it's not often kids in DCS custody have 2 permanency options. In that regard, my kids are lucky.

As the judge addressed us I felt my eyes watering. I don't think I've mentioned this before but I go into every court hearing with a straight face, no emotions, I refuse to picture my children in my head as I want to appear strong and my kids bring on the emotions. This is the first time I couldn't hold it back. As the judge talked to us directly and I started realizing decisions are going to be made, I couldn't keep that straight face. It irritated me as I didn't want the judge to think I was putting on some show to influence him but it was not a show, it was 23 months of emotions realizing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That light may be a train about to run me over or the beautiful sun shining on the other side of the longest tunnel of my life. 

I did hold it mostly together in court but within seconds of exiting that building the tears started falling. Nothing changed today except I know that a decision about my children's future will be made within 60 days. Talking to my sister she helped me realize, it's the definitive date that is causing all the emotions. By October 8th a decision will be made about my children's living arrangements, their place to eat, their daycare, their friends, the state they reside in, their grandparents, their family, their beds, their identity. It could be earlier but it will be no later than October 8th. That is scary and wonderful at the same time.

Please pray for our judge to review all the relevant information and make his decision based on the best interest of our children.

OFFICIALLY Certified Foster Parents

We PASSED! The state has looked into our home life, our dog, our finances, our upbringing, our marriage, our criminal history and found nothing too concerning. So it's official! We are finally licensed foster/adoption parents!!! The news came last Thursday, August 29th. 

On Friday morning I called our licensing agent and discussed preferences and placement lists. We decided to accept children ages 0-3 as long as one is under the age of 1. After numerous other questions, we also decided to be placed on the immediate placement list so literally a call could come at any time. That's exactly what our agency said to us and she wasn't lying.

Friday around 3pm, I received our first placement call. I knew it was a placement call before I answered the phone, I'm not sure why but I just knew. I'm glad I did because CPS does not do anything to help you determine if this is the child for your family or not. This is how the phone call went: 

     CPS: "Hi my name is ____ from Child Protective Services. I have a 1 year old boy that I was wondering if you could take."
     Tina: ............. (attempting to remember our classes and what they told us to ask)........"Ummm do you know why they are being removed from the home?"
     CPS: "Yes, ___________ on his younger, 5 month old brother; his 4 year old brother has already been placed"
     Tina: (Quickly doing the math on a 1 year old and a 5 month old....doesn't really add up) "Is he exactly 1 year old or is he younger or older? What ethnicity is he? Where is the 5 month old?" (I caught on quickly, CPS knows a lot but they try to tell you nothing)
     CPS: "He's a little over a year, he was born on March 8th"
     Tina: (Confused because I'm pretty sure that means he's almost 18 months which is very different than a 1 year old) "We are going to have to decline, he isn't within our preferences."
     CPS: "Okay, thank you for your time."

We had heard CPS was typically pushy and didn't like when you declined but this guy wasn't upset at all, he was very polite which is what I would hope. The excitement of Friday didn't end there. At 9pm that evening Jon received our 2nd placement call. It went very similar to the first except this CPS agent didn't have hardly any information. We also realized at this point that our preferences must not be in the system because we again turned the children down due to not meeting our preferences. Jon asked the CPS agent if our preferences were in there and she said no so she updated them. Since that call, we haven't heard anything. The excitement of the calls and being licensed have really made the next 2 days difficult because now we feel mentally ready but nothing has happened. Every time Jon's phone rings, we both get that little bolt of adrenaline/excitement. 

We will definitely update once we accept our first placement but until then I wanted to remind everyone of some rules we have to follow regarding confidentiality.

1. You won't see pictures on this blog, or on Facebook or Instagram, with any identifying details (i.e. no faces). Once we have adopted the children pictures are fair game!
2. This also means that you cannot take pictures of our children either. I know it'll be hard, but remember these are someone else's kid's until we adopt and we can't have pictures floating around due to confidentiality. Again, once the adoption is finalized, start snapping away!
3. Close family and friends will know the children and their names because they will be attending events with us, however please refrain from using their names in the online world due to confidentiality. 
4. Please do not ask us why the children came into our care. If it is necessary for you to know, you will know but otherwise just treat them like any other niece, nephew, grandchild, or kid.
5. We will be unable to post specifics about the case or court details. Major decisions can be posted in a general overview but all the details are kept confidential to protect the children. Details of their cases are their own to share, as they see fit (and when they can talk).

We look forward to sharing the next steps of our journey with everyone! Please keep us in your thoughts while we await our life changing phone call!

Medically Complex 3 of 3

This past Saturday we completed our last training class! 

We covered the ways to nurture and discipline a child with special needs. The majority of this was a repeat of PS MAPPS which was frustrating to sit through again.

The interesting part of this class was the talk about taking care of ourselves as foster parents. So far all the classes are concerned with the children and what's best for the child you are caring for so it was definitely different to talk about making sure we take care of ourselves and the grieving process we'll go through when a child reunites with a parent.

Here's our "Road to Good Self-Care"

• Give yourself permission to need something
• Keep it simple
• Don't compare yourself to others
• Plan the hardest part of your day ahead of time
• Join a parent support group
• Have down time every day
• Plan things to look forward to
• Accentuate the positive

As part of taking care of ourselves we discussed how to use respite care and what information we would need to provide them. 

And finally we discussed important milestones of children so we can hopefully be proactive about identifying a child that is behind and needs additional help.

After 15 more hours of training, we graduated!

License countdown: Somewhere between 8 to 23 days!

There probably won't be another update until we get fully licensed and then it'll be whenever the BIG day is. Keep us in your thoughts as our lives are about to drastically change!

Medically Complex 1 of 3

Yesterday we attended our first of three Medically Complex classes. We covered how quickly we should have an EPST ( Early and Periodic Screening, Diagnostic and treatment) Exam after accepting a placement along with proper medication administration and the different medical resources available to us as foster parents.

Some of it covered the same topics as Medication Administration but a review can't hurt when it comes to medical assistance. Our teachers for this course are much better than the original PS MAPPS course. They are much better at keeping us involved. Such as training us on properly removing gloves. We had to wear gloves, have chocolate syrup poured on them, smear it around, then properly remove them without getting any chocolate syrup on ourselves or the desks! Another way they kept us involved was with proper medication administration. Each group received 3 "prescription" bottles and had to identify the thing that was wrong with the prescription. Sometimes there was a peanut allergy listed on the label and then there were peanut M&Ms as "pills" in the bottle or the expiration date had passed, etc.

We also got out of this class earlier than any of our other classes so all and in all it wasn't too bad. Keep posted for next week's update!

42 days or less until we are licensed!

PS MAPP 10: Endings & Beginnings

Technically our last PS MAPP course! *Commence all the cheering and applause* We actually made it through!! I say technically our last because we still have to attend class next Tuesday in order to graduate. It's a class called Med Admin.

This class started with a woman from the agency who explained how the foster care placement process works. Basically there are 2 types of placement:

1. Emergency/immediate
2. Regular

With emergency the child is in need of a safe home right now. We will receive a phone call from our agency asking if we are willing to accept the placement. They will know only basic details: age, gender, ethnicity, etc. If we accept, they will submit us to CPS. CPS will receive families from numerous agencies. If they pick us, we will receive a phone call from the CPS Shelter Coordinator who will notify us that we will be receiving a child/children. Then we'll get a call from the CPS Case Manager that will schedule a time to pick up the child/children. 

The most interesting thing about this is you cannot check with your spouse before accepting an emergency placement. There is not enough time for it so whomever answers the phone has to make a wise decision.

Regular placement occurs when there were no foster homes available on the day the child was removed and so they were placed in a group home or shelter. If a child matches our specifications then an initial meeting is set up with the child, us, and the CPS case manager. If the meeting goes well, then we set up a day visit where the child can come to our home or go out for an activity. If the day visit goes well, then we can schedule an overnight visit. There are generally only 3 visits prior to placement. Children in regular placement tend to be older than age 6 so we will most likely be in the emergency situation.

Next we did a few activities regarding shared parenting and then we quickly moved onto the end of PS MAPP's and the Next Steps we have to take.

While going through this 4 page document, I quickly became overwhelmed. Here is a quick overview of it:

• Once all your completed paperwork is turned in, all of the references are received, fingerprint and CPS checks have cleared, and your packet is complete, you will be assigned a licensing worker. (We still need our CPR/First Aid Certification which is scheduled for this Saturday)
• Your licensing worker will contact you to set up a meeting to complete your home study. This interview process takes approximately 4 hours to complete!
• The home study must be completed within 30 days of class ending.
• The state licensing department has 60 days to approve or deny our license.
• At a minimum you must have a bed and dresser for the number of children you are seeking, prior to licensing.
• It is a good idea to have items on hand that you may need in the first month. (For us this is a crib, car seat, formula, couple of sizes of clothes, etc."
• You will need to have a couple of day cares selected as you can receive a placement within a day of being added to the available bed resource list.
• You are required to keep a file folder for each child that is placed in your home. This will be checked by your licensing worker on a regular basis.
• You will need to log all contact on the contact log, this will be checked during monthly visits. 
• On a quarterly basis your worker will be checking the Life book for each child and checking your medication storage.

It's crazy to think that in about 2 months we could be fully licensed and potentially have children in our home! I definitely do not feel ready especially considering we don't have anywhere for them to currently sleep, no car seat, no clothes, no baby food...pretty much we have 1 book, 1 bottle, and Cat in the Hat with Thing 1 & Thing 2 that need to get on the walls! We have a lot to do!