Expect the unexpected

I've sat through numerous court hearings and heard countless numbers of excuses and seen chance after chance be given while my children sit on the sidelines left unrepresented. I expected nothing less at the hearing this past Friday and chance after chance was afforded to birth parents, however I got a little bit of an unexpected twist. 

The Good
This hearing was just supposed to be a report and review, basically just a check in however birth dad did not show up. I don't think I explained this earlier because I didn't think it would be relevant in our case but now I must explain. Once the birth parents are served with the severance paperwork they MUST attend every court hearing from that point forward otherwise the state can sever their parental rights that day, no trial, no appeal, just sever and done instantly. As I said earlier, birth dad did not attend for the first time ever and yes, the state severed his parental rights. It was surreal. As of January 9, 2015, my children only have one daddy in their lives. 

The Bad
That all happened after birth mom's hearing. She was there and is definitely contesting the severance. The first trial date the court presented for severance was March 4 however her lawyer conveniently had something on the calendar that day and then proceeded to have something on her calendar for the next 5 days suggested which somehow pushed us to JULY! The judge had to ask this lawyer the next day she was available which pushed us another month.....so the severance trial is set for July 9th. That's 6 months away! After the trial, the judge has 30-60 days to make a decision. Don't worry, I'm an accountant and I'll do the math for you, that puts us at September 9th.....this is two years and two days past the day they came into our lives which also means the kids will be 2 years old. So yes, these kids will probably not be adopted into their forever home in 2015. Anger commence.

The maternal uncle is also still in the mix. We believe birth mom's lawyer is stalling the severance in order to give the interstate paperwork more time to process so the maternal uncle can adopt the kids.

I left court in a mix of emotions, I was crying yet in disbelief, smiling yet frustrated, excited yet angry. Up and down, but I like to think we just took 5 steps forward and only 2 step back.

Please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, and good wishes as we continue our way through this process, we still have another 8+ months to go.

Up and down, around and around

Last time I updated I stated the case plan had been changed to severance. Don't worry, it's still listed as severance, however at our previous review hearing birth mom was back on track. Her lawyer requested if she's still on track at the next hearing, they switch the case plan back to reunification. I was extremely surprised and completely devastated. After 13 months of on track, off track, on track, off track I was surprised the judge responded that we would consider it at the next hearing. How many tries does one get to be a parent? The next hearing isn't until early January so we get to enjoy the holiday's with our kids. At this same hearing, I found out the maternal uncle would be visiting over Thanksgiving. Again surprise and complete devastation. Mind you this is only 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and the first I've heard of this visit. We didn't hear anything about the visit until Tuesday before Thanksgiving.

The maternal uncle, his wife, their kids, and birth mom's sister all visited with the twins for a couple hours the Friday after Thanksgiving. Jon had to work so I met them with the case manager. Baby boy had a hard time letting go of me and was constantly crying and reaching for me when other people took him. Baby girl was okay for a bit and then randomly would reach for me or walk back to me. I stayed for 30 minutes until I felt like the kids started to relax. There was no way I was leaving my kids when they looked scared and worried, I don't care if I should have left earlier, my kids needed me. My mom helped entertain me while the kids had their visit and Jon was off work by the time we needed to pick them up. We walked into the McDonald's and baby girl ran to Jon all excited and baby boy ran to me. It was a nice feeling because I'm bonded to them but it's always nice to know they are bonded with us.

The maternal uncle and his wife are very nice and no red flags came up. He seems to have a good job and is a good dad to his other kids. This was comforting for myself and Jon. We definitely want to make these kids a permanent part of our family but if they have to go somewhere else, we are comforted to feel that they would be well taken care of. The case manager constantly tries to reassure me and Jon that the case still has quite a ways to go and that interstate adoptions are very difficult but none of that means anything to us until we have those final papers in our hand.

Leaving the legal case behind.....our "babies" are no longer babies, we officially have toddlers. Both kids are walking, getting into everything, and just overall curious about life. On the weekends we take them to the library for babytime and to the park to run around and go down the slides and swing on the swings. Baby boy is all boy, he loves to be outside and play with stick's, balls, and point at airplanes. He also says ball to anything round. Baby girl is very smart, she understands instructions like "go get the ball" or "say bye" or "Is baby girl happy?" to which she replies by clapping her hands!

A Must Read

Enough said: 8 Things Adoptive Parents Should Never Do

The Struggle Continues

It's been awhile since I've given the legal update on the case mainly because there hadn't been much movement until recently. About a month ago the case plan changed from reunification to severance. What that means is CPS has acknowledged they have tried to work towards family reunification but it no longer seems possible so in the best interest of the children they'd like to sever the birth parents rights and find a permanent home for the children. 

The process to terminate birth parents rights can take 6-8ish months. Here's how it works: A month ago, the judge acknowledged the change in the case plan. After that the birth parents lawyers serve the birth parents with the notice to sever rights. A week ago the birth parents had court where they were able to state if they agree or contest the severance. Our birth parents contested. In early November we have a review hearing. Then the case will go through 2-3 days of trial where they will call the parent aides, CPS worker, GAL, doctors, daycare workers, etc. to the stand if needed. After that, the judge has a specific number of days to make a decision. And just like all other cases in our judicial system, the birth parents can appeal that decision. So then it'll go through the appeals process. After that, the decision is final. It is very frustrating that after a year, we still have another 6+ months to go but at the same time I need to count the positives and although we still have awhile, this is the very first positive for us since this case has started. Please keep our children in your thoughts and prayers that the best outcome for them is chosen.

It's hard not to get frustrated at the system but I always have to step back and think about it from the judge's point of view. The judge only hears this case every 60ish days and then she only hears what the lawyers tell her which is about 15% of what is actually going on. Then she has to dig through all the nonsense of the lawyers to figure out the accurate details. Based on that data, she has to make a decision that will affect these children's lives forever. My dad read an article that compared severing a birth parents rights to the death penalty due to the permanent nature of the decision. Once parental rights are severed, that's it. That parent can never be involved with their child again unless a foster or adoptive parent chooses to keep them involved. It's final, the end of that family. If I was the judge, I'd want to be 110% positive I was making the right decision. But that's hard to see from my side sometimes because from my view of the world, the kids are already home.

Supervised visits with the birth parents will continue up until the severance. It does not matter what the parents are doing on their visits, they will always legally have the right to see their children as long as their parental rights are in tact. Our visits are twice a week and have been going okay. The kids eat extremely unhealthy and come home starving but overall, they are okay. Recently our case received a new parent aide, the person who supervises the visit. I was less than thrilled to get a new one because our last 2 had been incompetent. This one however is amazing! She considers our schedule, tells us that the kids ate "snacks" for dinner and will need to be fed before bed, and just overall is in her job for the right reasons. I should find out who her boss is and give her a compliment because she makes the visits a little less painful for us. 

Tonight was the first visit at 5pm - 7pm. the kids typically go to bed at 7:30 so a visit that ends at 7 means they don't get home until almost 8. We were not thrilled but to accommodate birth dad's work schedule, they asked we try to make this work. (Don't ask why the kids schedule isn't taken into consideration.....I get blank stares when I ask that.) So onto tonight's visit, I knew it was going to be rough so I decided to take advantage of the fact that I didn't have to pick them up at daycare and left work early to go hiking. I figured it would help relax me and put me in the right mood for dealing with cranky kids. I was right, the hike was amazing, the view of Phoenix was amazing, the sunset was beautiful - I came home in a great mood. The kids came home, as expected, hungry, tired, and cranky. According to our spectacular parent aide, the kids ate teddy graham's and french fries for dinner and lucky them, they got to wash it down with soda. Apparently the parent aide suggested water or milk numerous times but the birth parents insisted on soda. We all know that 13 month old's need soda to survive. On top of it all, she gave them hair cuts. Yes, I know I was complaining that they needed haircuts and I was mad I couldn't be trusted to get them done but I was surprisingly very emotional that it had finally happened. I kept myself composed around the parent aide and composed while I fed the children chicken, rice, and applesauce but after they went to bed (45 minutes past bedtime), I lost it. In my head, these are MY children. I raised them. I am the one who loses sleep when they wake up at 3am. I am the one who takes off work to hold them while they are sick. I am the one who chases them around the house on hands and knees saying "I'm going to get you". I am the one trying to feed them healthy food, teach them lessons and help them become awesome, self sufficient little people. But I didn't get to take them for their first haircut. I know it's such a silly thing and I know I didn't want a lock of their hair but somehow I'm devastated that I missed out on their first haircut. These are the things I never thought about when we decided to be foster parents and these are the things I never thought would crush me but tonight I am hurting. 

You only get 1 first birthday so make it a good one!

Our twins just had their first birthday and of course we had to throw them their first birthday party! In a couple of books I read, it said to keep it small, don't overwhelm baby. Just a couple of people baby knows really well, that's all you need. Welllll I couldn't figure out how to cut our guest list so 50 people were invited! About 40 showed up and because our kids are all-stars, they did absolutely amazing!

I wanted to make it feel like a kid's party versus our normal adult parties so I made some decorations:

I also made beer labels for Jon's homemade beer - I posted those on a previous update Beer Labels. They were adorable on all the bottles! I also made a collage for each baby with a picture from each month. My sister made 4 cakes, yes I said 4! She made one small cake for each baby and one large cake for each baby. All of them in the shape of Mickey or Minnie heads. I would post a picture of their cuteness but they have their names on them.

The party was a lot of fun, the only downside was we had it set up outside due to the number of people invited and it was a little on the hot side. Most people just dealt with it and enjoyed the party.

The twins cake smash was priceless. Baby girl just kept stuffing more and more cake into her mouth. She was a happy girl, even licked the frosting off her fingers. Baby boy also very much enjoyed the cake but he was confused as to why so many people were watching him eat.

Definitely a memorable day!

1 year wiser

Recently we've hit 2 big milestones or perhaps 3...

1. The twins turned ONE!
2. We celebrated one year of being new parents of twins
3. We survived one year of the foster care system

One of my best friends, fellow blogger, and runner (Check her blog out Run Megan Run) suggested I post what I've learned in the last year.

Foster Care Thoughts...

• Everything takes longer than you are told or expect. If you are told 6 months, plan 12 - 18 months.
• Attend EVERY court hearing. Everyone in the system will tell you there's no need for you to be there but if you want to know what's going on in the case and be able to help the kids if it affects them, BE THERE! In Arizona, it is your right as a foster parent which leads me to the next...
• KNOW YOUR FOSTER PARENT RIGHTS! Here you go: Foster Parent Rights
• Nothing is final until the judge says so
• Everyone outside the system will think you are a saint, everyone in the system will think you are just a babysitter for the child.
• Your life and your schedule do not matter to CPS. You are superhuman and will figure out how to make it work. Just remember, your time and your life do matter - it is okay to say "no".
• Utilize your agency for their experience and advice. They are your ONLY advocate. 
• The term "supervised visit" is used extremely loosely. 
• The GAL (Child's lawyer) will call 1-4 days prior to court, be prepared.
• For every accident you will go through 2 freak outs.
• 1 - The normal mom reaction - OH MY GOD how did I let that happen? Is my child okay? What actually happened? How do I fix it? I just want to kiss it better, I sure hope my kisses are magical! Oh good, the crying is getting softer, we will survive.
• 2 - Did it leave a bump? Will it be gone before the visit on Wednesday? Does this constitute a significant incident and need to be reported?
• If your foster child lives with you for more than half the year or more than half their life, if they were born that year, you can claim them as a dependent on your tax return.

First Time Mom Thoughts...

• Trust your instincts. If you think something is wrong, call the doctor. If you think everything is okay, move on.
• Accept help when offered. You are not a bad mom, you are a smart mom that recognizes when she needs a break. It's best for you, your child, and your spouse.
• You are still an individual, you are not defined by your role as a mom. Make time for yourself.
• EVERYONE will have advice, listen if you want otherwise refer to my first point.
• Get used to talking about poop. Color, consistency, frequency....
• The first 6 weeks are the roughest, you will make it through.
• Milestones are provided to make sure your kid isn't falling behind - they are not there for you to brag that your 3 month old is sitting on his or her own.
• Read, sing, talk, dance, and laugh with your child every.....single.....day.
• Baby giggles are the absolute best sound - it will never get old.

Twin Mom Thoughts...

• Everyone and I mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E has a twin story. Learn to listen or come up with a clever response.
• For the first 3 months, track their eating, pooping, and sleeping schedules. The doctors will ask and you will mix their schedules up. There are numerous apps for this - I missed the boat on this one.
• Don't assume because you have 2 babies, things take twice as long. Things actually take 3-4 times longer with 2 babies because while you are dressing one - the other is getting into a drawer, the trash, pulling off toilet paper, etc. Now you have a mess to attend to on top of getting out of the house.
• Attend free baby time at your local library. It gets you out of the house and gives the kids something different and kid friendly to do.
• Find a good consignment store, club, or organization. Clothes are expensive. Clothes times 2 are twice as expensive.
• Your house is going to be a mess, it's a full time job caring for twins - get over the mess. Accept help when offered.
• Enjoy and celebrate the differences between your children, they are individuals.

This has been a roller coaster ride over the last year, luckily I LOVE roller coasters. The kids are happy and healthy and I look forward to coming home every single day because the smile on their faces when I walk through the door is priceless. I am *that* mom and I am proud of it!

Haircuts and Foster Care System

This I believe will be my first official rant about the foster care system so I apologize, I am just completely in shock at the way things are handled. 

As the twins one year birthday is coming up, my husband and I have scheduled a photographer to take one year pictures of the twins about 2 weeks prior to their actual birthday. Since baby boy's hair is getting pretty long - I'm talking in his face, over his ears, every which direction long we thought it might be good to get him his first haircut prior to the pictures. You might be wondering why this is even warranting a post - it's just a haircut after all, right? Well....in the foster care system, haircuts are one of the things foster parents must seek approval on. This isn't just CPS approval, this is CPS actually getting birth parent approval. It may seem outrageous but there are a lot of cultures and heritages that have different beliefs about hair cutting. Fine, I get it. So being a good foster mom, I sent an e-mail to our case worker asking to get their haircut and explaining why I wanted to. Here was his response:

Yes, she did already tell me that it was a tradition to cut her boys hair on their one year birthday however I didn't realize 2 weeks would be a big deal. I also don't understand how this tradition is going to be kept this time around - is CPS going to give her special approval on her supervised visits to cut his hair? And what about baby girl, is she never going to get a haircut? That seems a little crazy to me. I'd also like to bring up the fact that on their last two visits she has fed them french fries, cake, and juice boxes. They are 11 months old, they don't need french fries and cake on a regular basis much less sugar loaded juice boxes. But no, I'm the crazy foster mom who wants to cut their hair so they look well taken care of. Watch out world - don't let this crazy woman watch your children - she might give them a haircut after a whole year!

Some day's as a foster mom are easier than others, today didn't start off very well.

Colorado Camping Craziness

About 2 months ago - I reached out and asked for some advice on Facebook about camping with little ones and got quite a bit of positive feedback:

So we booked our trip! My parents, sister, and brother-in-law also decided to join us and thank goodness they did! I knew it would be work to camp with twins that are crawling but I don't think Jon and I would have ate a single meal if it wasn't for my family.

We left Thursday morning right at nap time so the twins would sleep in the car. In Flagstaff, we picked up lunch and headed to Thorpe park to let the kids crawl around. They got to swing (at the park) for the first time - baby girl LOVED it. She was just giggling her little heart out which made me and "Grandma" giggle too. Since I can't post the cute swing picture, you get the cute doggie picture instead.

About 40 minutes from our end point, the twins started getting fussy. We were right around the 4 corners monument so we thought, why not? It was hot and there was a line but we got to the front, I stepped into Colorado, Jon stepped into Utah, I placed baby boy in New Mexico, and Jon placed baby girl in Arizona. LOVE the photo but again all you get is me.

We arrived at the KOA campsite, created a makeshift baby gate out of coolers and storage containers (our car didn't have enough room for the real gate, it was the only item left behind) and got to work setting up camp with my parents. Lisa and Ryan showed up about an hour later. Babies went to bed right on schedule and we stayed up talking with my family. The next morning I found out that baby boy didn't sleep so well but I must have been exhausted because I didn't hear a thing!

Friday morning baby boy was up early so I took him on a walk/run around the 1 mile lake on the property. GORGEOUS!

The kids got to try scrambled eggs for the first time and made a rather large mess but they had fun. They went down for a nap and we started getting ready for our trip to Mesa Verde. For Mesa Verde, Jon and I had the hiking backpacks and we rode the tram around and hiked through smaller ruins. I really wanted to try some of the larger preserved ruins but with having infants that still take naps and need to play to get energy out, it just wasn't a wise idea. Instead we headed back to camp, the kids napped in the car. Once at camp, we decided to go swimming - best idea yet! The kids had a blast floating around, splashing each other, and "jumping" in from the side. Later in the evening we watched some mediocre fireworks from the campground, but I guess you can't expect much from a small town like Cortez. The babies both went to bed at normal time but baby boy didn't sleep very well this night and ended up on the air mattress with me and Jon around 3am.

Saturday was an early morning. We had train tickets for the Durango to Silverton train tour and our train departed at 8am about 45 minutes from our campsite. When the train leaves the station and all the way through Durango, the conductor blows the whistle non-stop. Watching baby girl's reaction to this was priceless. She would stand up very straight and look around with a half scared half excited look on her face and then look at us for guidance on which emotion she should choose. Baby boy sat on my lap for the first 30 minutes just watching the scenery go by. It was a gorgeous train ride - highly recommend if you've never done this before! Although if you have infants, I also highly recommend a one way train ticket with a one way bus ticket. The all day train ride was a little much for the twins by the end of the day. We spent 7 total hours on the train! Sorry I had to cut the cuties out of the picture.

The twins slept the 45 minutes back to camp but then refused to go down for bedtime. It probably took us an hour to get them to bed and then they both woke up around 11pm screaming. This night was much colder than the other 2 so baby girl ended up in Jon's sleeping bag and baby boy was in mine. I have another cute picture of the kids cuddling with Jon - I want to show you so bad!

Sunday we woke up, Lisa and Ryan made breakfast burritos - the babies got to try potatoes for the first time. Baby boy loved them and couldn't get them in his mouth fast enough! Packing up was in my opinion our biggest downfall. We didn't properly plan packing up with nap time and didn't have the pack-n-plays available for naps so the twins were screaming on a blanket until my mom and sister picked them up and rocked them while the rest of us packed up.

All in all I had a fantastic time and would definitely go again but would definitely NOT go without the following tips:

1. Never ever camp with twins unless you have at least 2 adults to each infant unless you enjoy being sleep deprived and hangry all the time.
2. If you are taking a road trip to camp plan on adding an extra hour for every 3 hours of driving. The kids will need to get out and crawl around if you want to survive the remainder of your driving. We stopped at parks, restaurants, gift shops, and monuments to let them play.
3. Only plan 1 big activity each day as that is all you'll be able to get done anyway.
4. Attempt to keep the same nap schedule and bedtimes as they have at home.
5. Be prepared for cold weather at night. We double layered our kids in PJ's and fleece pajama's and they still woke up cold. We ended up co-sleeping in our sleeping bags (I swore I'd never do this as it scares me)
6. Bring a baby gate! We left ours at home because we didn't have room and were constantly having to run over to the babies because they would crawl off the blanket with toys and start sticking rocks in their mouths!
7. The babies will get messy and it's okay. Improvise with baths. We used small wash bins for sponge baths and then one day I just took them right into the shower with me!
8. Be flexible and have fun with them!